It's the most wonderful time of the year, said Andy Williams, may he rest in peace, who got to see 85 of them, so he should know. Me, this will be my 44th Christmas, and even though I wasn't much use to anyone for the first few (ask my older siblings), I've tried to help out in the last 17 or so by putting together the annual mixes of holiday songs that a bewildered America has come to tolerate -- if not quite embrace -- as Christmas in December. If you're here, you may have received one of my handmade CDs sent through the U.S. Postal Service, thereby combining two inevitably doomed creations of previous centuries. You will also find here some options for digging deep into Christmas in December 2012 without an actual disc that you have to push into some kind of machine, like, what are you, some kind of Dickensian orphan in a factory? But be patient with Christmas in December: Do you know how long it took me to resign myself to move up from cassettes to CDs in the first place?
If you've been with us for a while, you pretty much know what to expect, so maybe you can help out the newcomers. You know you're going to get some weird songs, some perhaps inappropriately rockin' songs, some sweet songs by sweet country singers with sweetly broken hearts, and maybe some jazz, soul and funk. Songs just cold comin' at Christmas from all different angles -- the side, underneath, sneaking up from behind. Listen to them all; they each have their version of Christmas, some of which contradicts the others. Hear them, for they are all, everyone, true. Ask not: Do you hear what I hear? but rather: Do I hear what they hear? And: Could they say it a little louder, since my slight tinnitus makes it difficult to understand?
Anyway. More to the point: Here's a bunch of songs I put together hurriedly when I realized it was already early December. I dove elbow-deep into my CD collection and found some gems; I ventured into the Internet, ignoring the "here there be serpents" signs, and found more treasures amongst the flotsam. Or jetsam. Which is which, again?
So, children, gather near to Socially Awkward Santa without making direct eye contact, as he reaches into his messenger bag for a special treat that he will hand you while making an effort to not touch your fingers. Open the plastic case, then hold it and stare at it blankly until you find the right-sized slit on one of your glowing plastic boxes to slide it into. There may be one in your car; there may be one in the machine on which you are reading these words. Once the "Compact Disc" -- for that is what it is called -- finds its home, it will sing to you of magical times, and your lives will never be the same.

1. Santa and the Satellite, Part 1 -- Buchanan and Goodman
Dickie Goodman practiced an early form of "sampling," creating novelty records by splicing in bits of popular songs of the day to provide humorous answers and commentary (sort of Dr. Demento meets Dr. Dre). I admit that this will be a lot funnier to people who actually recognize the song clips used (examples here include "Black Slacks" by the Sparkletones and "Keep a-Knockin'" by Little Richard. I remember him from mid-'70s singles like "Mr. Jaws" and "Kong." It's interesting to speculate how much of this scenario was fanciful whimsy and how much was the Cold War paranoia of the day (1957) -- who knows, the commies might have actually had Satellite Men on Sputnik! (As it turns out, they did not.)

2. (I) Deck the Halls -- Los Straitjackets
In the grand tradition of "rock bands making Christmas songs sound like other songs" (c.f., The Ventures), you may find yourself reminded of a certain Bobby Fuller Four single right about now.

3. A Party for Santa Claus -- Lord Nelson
A perennial Christmas in December favorite. Something about the Caribbean rhythms joined in service with the seasonal content really gets my ganglia poppin'. I was surprised to discover that Big Bad Voodoo Daddy did a version of this song, which turned out about like you'd expect, but those so inclined may find it diverting. Lord Nelson the calypso singer should, of course, not be confused with British Admiral Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson.

4. Do You Hear the Silent Night? -- TriBeCaStan
So sue me; I like a good horn section. RELIX writes: “TriBeCaStan plays a jazzy, global folk hybrid inspired by New York City’s cross-pollinating musical and cultural community. They blend free jazz, Afghani rhythms, boogie-woogie and Balkan wedding music with an effortless grace that’s always musical and often danceable.” Plus a little stoner humor thrown in there at the end. Don't tell your small children I never did anything for them.

5. O Holy Night Cha Cha Cha -- Brave Combo
Not to seem irreverent, but I've always thought "O, Holy Night" is a little full of itself -- while acknowledging its emotional pull, Internet gadfly and personal friend Ian Williams describes it as "bombastic [and] eye-rollingly over-the-top." So it would seem that a cha-cha-cha treatment would be just what's indicated. Nothing takes the wind out of something highfalutin' like following it with the phrase "cha-cha-cha." Try it: "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York, cha-cha-cha." "In bourgeois society capital is independent and has individuality, while the living person is dependent and has no individuality, cha-cha-cha." See?

6. Jingle Bell Rock -- The Three Suns
The liner notes for the Suns' 1959 album "A Ding Dong Dandy Christmas" anticipated the Christmas in December mission by nearly 40 years: "Is there one person you like? Not just like, but really like? Is he a pretty swingin' guy? A gal who gets a kick out of things? A kid who spends a lot of time learning that life, after all, is for fun? This album is for those people." You people, my friends. You people.

7. Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town -- Sy Mann
Space Age Pop calls Sy Mann's 1969 "Switched-On Santa" the first Christmas album to feature the Moog synthesizer. The album's liner notes maintain that Mann "showed his earliest musical talent at age 6 when he began to correct mistakes made by his older sister who was then a cello student, by reaching up to the keyboard of the family player-piano and striking the 'right notes,'" which, as one who grew up with an older sister, sounds to me like an excellent way to get your hand smacked. So kudos to Sy for overcoming the adversity which must surely have befallen him.

8. Carol of the Bells -- Shawn Lee's Ping Pong Orchestra
What is it about "Carol of the Bells" that lends itself so well to these kinds of techno-ish, trip-hoppy remix type deals? It's an instrumental, for starters, and it has a repeating musical motif, but mostly it has an overall air of foreboding. It sounds kind of ominous and dangerous. Emmanuel is coming, and he's not happy. As you might expect, Shawn Lee is based in London; as you might not have expected, he was born in Kansas.

9. Christmas Rappin' -- Kurtis Blow
Just in case you thought "Christmas in Hollis" was the first Christmas rap song. Kurtis beat Run-D.M.C. by about eight years. I still kind of prefer "Christmas in Hollis" (see Christmas in December 2001), but my knowledge of Christmas rap songs is limited to... well, these two, pretty much. I'm sure there are more (anybody have any other favorites?). "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses doesn't count.

10. Jingle Bells -- Travelin' Light
I've had this on a CD (a jazz compilation called "Santa's Bag") for maybe ten years or so, and never given it a second look. One of the drawbacks of having a large Christmas CD collection is that some records don't get as much attention as others. For some reason, this was one of those CDs I just didn't have high expectations of. Had I known that it contained a jazz duo consisting of banjo and tuba, I certainly would have listened to it earlier, and would not have missed out for all these years on this excellent Bela Fleck-meets-the Dirty Dozen Brass Band amalgam of sound.

11. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen -- Th' Legendary Shack Shakers
Probably the growliest version of this song that I have ever heard -- and quite possibly the second-growliest song ever featured in Christmas in December, the growliest being, of course, Mr. Joseph Spence's version of "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town." I believe I may have gotten this record for free, back when social media titan David B. Thomas worked for Yep Roc. Thanks, Dave!

12. Frosty the Snowman -- Esquivel
Space-age pop dynamo Juan Garcia Esquivel rolls up every instrument he can find into this stirring ode to everyone's favorite snow-golem.

13. The Little Drummer Boy -- Kenny Burrell
My wife was having an informal contest with some Facebook friends to see who would be the last to hear "The Little Drummer Boy" this season. I made her lose with this song. Sorry, sweetie. Allmusic.com calls this "the definitive jazz hit version" of the song, so at least there's that.

14. We Wish You a Merry Christmas -- Shonen Knife
Naoko Yamano, the leader of Shonen Knife, who is now in her 50s, must be getting tired of her musical efforts being called "adorable." But you cannot fight empirical fact. The band's adorable, their music's adorable, and this song is adorable. Plus, it rocks. Fun fact: Shonen Knife have also performed as a tribute band as The Osaka Ramones. But for a devoted few, The Ramones might as well have been named The Forest Hills Shonen Knife.

15. Jingle Bells -- The Fab Four
This song probably makes a little more sense once you realize it's an homage to the Beatles' "Tomorrow Never Knows," complete with droning and seagull sound effects. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this is my favorite Christmas song partially inspired by an acid trip, although who knows what Esquivel was taking.

16. Rudolf, the Disco Reindeer -- Joel Gentry and the Skylarks
Admit it: When you saw the title, isn't this pretty much exactly what you imagined this song would sound like? I don't know why Joel Gentry chose to spell "Rudolph" that way; he just did, and now we all have to live with it. You make your own record, then you'll get to spell things however you want.

17. Hip Santa -- Jimmy McGriff
My problem with this song is that if you were to just listen to it without knowing the title, you wouldn't necessarily have any idea that it's supposed to be a Christmas song. It's not a traditional holiday-song melody, and there are no lyrics to provide additional context. Perhaps by freeing himself from all obvious signifiers, the Santa in this song has achieved ultimate freedom and self-determination and simply willed himself into being. "Hip" indeed, Santa. Well played, you postmodern old elf.

18. White Christmas Blues -- Huey "Piano" Smith and the Clowns
"Rollicking" is about the only adjective that properly describes this band, who was also responsible for the original "Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie-Woogie Flu" and "Don't You Just Know It" in the '50s. If this doesn't rollick, I don't know what does. Note how the singer (Bobby Marchan, who also happened to be a female impersonator) vocalizes on "I-yi-yi-yi'm dreaming...," which I'm pretty sure originated with the Drifters' version of "White Christmas." 

19. Christmas Ain't Like Christmas Anymore -- Kitty Wells and the Jordanaires
For a few years in the early 2000s, I tried to establish a back-and-forth between Hank Thompson and Kitty Wells on alternating Christmas in December compilations. The idea being that Kitty had one of the original "answer records" with "It Wasn't God Who Made Honky-Tonk Angels," her response to Hank's earlier hit, "The Wild Side of Life." One year, I'd have a song by Hank, the next by Kitty. It didn't take long for me to get distracted and forget the whole thing, however. Kitty died in July of this year, and Hank's been gone since 2007. Rest in peace, the both of you, and stop your squabblin'.

20. Snow -- Claudine Longet
And speaking of people who died last year: I couldn't bring myself to include an Andy Williams song, since we're all going to hear them all about a dozen times apiece before we're through this year, so I did the next best thing and gave you a song by his ex-wife. Plus, with no Phil Spector songs this year, Claudine is filling in the "Christmas song by a convicted killer" slot. Although I guess technically she's only a convicted negligent homicider. (Homicidist?) I was about to mention how much this reminded me of one of Jackson Browne's songs for Nico, when I discovered that this was actually written by Randy Newman (later covered by Harry Nilsson), which isn't too far off, considered in the broad scope of your '70s Angeleno singer-songwriter types.

21. Sleigh Ride -- The Ramsey Lewis Trio
I will always have room, both on my CDs and in my life, for a little Ramsey Lewis.

22. Santa and the Satellite, Part 2 -- Buchanan and Goodman
The thrilling conclusion. (Note: Thrills may not actually occur.) Also: hilarious Asian racial stereotyping! Yeah, sorry about that.

23. Silent Night, Holy Night -- The Ronnie Kole Trio
The flipside to "Winter Wonderland," as featured on Christmas in December 2011. I'm surprised I hadn't heard of him before last year, since his playing is right up my alley -- New Orleans piano thumpin', a la Fats Domino, Professor Longhair, James Booker, Harry Connick Jr., et. al. Such is the lot of a New Orleans pianist; you can be a big fish in the big pond, but there are so many other big fish in there with you already.

24. Auld Lang Syne -- The Black on White Affair
One of the joys of having done this for 17 years is my continued discovery of the odd nooks and crannies of musical culture. For instance, not only did I not know before stumbling upon this song that The Black on White Affair were heroes in the Seattle funk and soul scene of the '70s, I didn't even know there was a Seattle funk and soul scene of the '70s. After repeated listenings of this decidedly tasty slice of wax, I still can't tell if the singer is calling out "kiddies and squares" or "kiddies and squirrels." Either way is OK with me; squirrels have had a free ride for too long in funk music.

25. Hark, the Herald Angels Sing -- The Peanuts Gang
As always, America's favorite ovoid-headed cartoon depressives take us out. This song is a sentimental favorite because it occurs at the end of the beloved TV special, but it's far from the highlight of Vince Guaraldi's soundtrack work on this show. Still, as Charlie Brown and his friends discover the true meaning of Christmas for the 48th year in a row, I hope that these songs find you and yours discovering the true meaning of whatever you've got going on.

Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for listening!